PIRATES OF THE BURNING SEA FREE TRIALS

Avast ye scurvey... uh... people. (We never got a handle on that talk-like-a-pirate thing.) We've just come across some somewhat exciting news that you may find interesting. Stand by for this exciting news from the world or piracy.

But let's first take a moment to ponder the works of Roman poet, Ovid. Commonly referred to as one of the 3 canonical poets of Latin literature, we've always found him to be far the superior to Horace, but not worthy enough to lick Virgil's taint. And all you Horace lovers out there better not try anything fancy cause we just got a whole new batch of tasers and we're not afraid to use em. So suck it.

Now, back to our usual MMO-world updates. It looks like the makers of PoTBS have finally wised up and given would-be pirates a chance to play their excellent game without having to fork over the cash. Word is that the new update of Pirates of the Burning Sea will also allow for a free-trial period.

This means everyone can enjoy the truly transcendent (not transcendental) experience of running a someone through with a rapier or blowing them out of the water with bronze-shot from 50-yards away.

Isn't life grand?

(And yeah, the picture is from Buckaroo Banzai.)

Reports of my death have been mildly exagerated. Part 2

So we've blogged several times about the death of Star Trek Online, but it appears as if there has been some kind of resurrection, or revival, or, dare we say it... next generation?

Okay, that wasn't as witty as we thought, but give us a break. I mean, how many of you can come up with something like this post? How many? Zero! That's how many. So suck one, loyal reader!

Ok, sorry. We're a little off-kilter. We don't like things that go away and then come back, only to possibly not really come back again. (We have stalker issues. And we fear change.) Anyway, reports are that Star Trek Online may not really be dead, or at least not totally dead. We've always liked the idea of Star Trek Online. It has an already established fan base and lots of good stories. Good stories, that is, with the exception of all the lame-ass "Oh-no, the holodeck is broken again!" episodes. I mean, come on. How hard is it to fix that thing anyway?

But, our job is to keep you informed and that's what we're doing. So all you Trekkers out there can go to bed tonight with a little more hope than you had when you woke up today. Isn't that nice?

AoC Griefing Vid

We just had to post this video because it really made us laugh. Yeah, we like AoC, and if someone did this to us while we played, we'd be really pissed. But the video is classic.

Enjoy.

Starcraft MMO by 2009?

Uh...exqueze me? Baking powder?

Did you say a Starcraft MMO in 2009?

As in...(and I'm no math expert)... like in a year?

New reports seem to indicate that the much talked about Starcraft MMO will be out sometimes in 2009. For real.

Ok, I know you guys at Blizzard are ambitious and all, and seriously, why rest on your laurels when you already have an MMO that pretty much pwns every other game out there in terms of number of players, exposure and kajillions of dollars income. But...but my Gawd! Give a guy a chance to try out AoC or at least PoTBS for a little longer. I mean, do you people really want me to spend the rest of my life with the after-image of an MMO screen permanently etched onto my retinas? Or corneas? Or whatever the hell you call those things in my head I use to see with but can't seem to close because I'm only 4 bars away from leveling?

(Was that last sentence a question? Do I even know anymore?)

Sci-Fi Channel MMO

Reports from the world of basic-cable seem to indicate that the Sci-Fi channel is developing an MMO/TV-Show/Cyborg-killing machine (Ok, we made that last slash up) that will have players interacting with the game and changing the story line. Teaming up writers and game developers, the MMO is set for launch in 2010, and will be set on earth 100 years from now.

It sounds interesting, and we hope Sci-Fi can pull it off. But a game that is also a TV-show and has gamers influencing the story line sounds a little off to us. Given our less than optimal opinion of the average MMO gamer, we're wondering what twists the TV-show's story will take if it's allowed to be influenced by the gamers.

It reminds us of that scene in Stand by Me where Gordy tells the story of Lardass and how he got his revenge on the pie eating contest crowd. After Gordy gets done telling the story of how the kid who was always picked on gets his sweet vengance, Teddy asks what happens next. When Gordy doesn't have an answer, Teddy says:

"Geez, that ending sucks! Why don't you make it so that ... so that Lardass goes home and he shoots his father, then he runs away an', and he joins the Texas Rangers. How about that?"

Maybe it's just us, but having mmo-gamers write your tv-show for you could be something less than a great idea.

Enough Talk!

Okay, okay, we know it's been a while since our last post. But you gotta give us a break. I mean, Grand Theft Auto, Wii fit and now Age of Conan.

There's only so much a gamer can take before going into a semi-catatonic state punctuated only by gaming induced epileptic seizures. Speaking of which, does anyone know a doctor who specializes in epileptic seizures?

Anyway, we're here to tell you we're back to MMO gaming posts, and thus we bring you... CONAN!

Seriously, we never thought any game would get close to challenging WoW, but that was before we played AoC. I don't want to say AoC did well, but 400,000 subscribers in the first month haven't been seen in an MMO release since, well, EVER! And all you loyal readers know we're not prone to hyperbole or gross over-exaggeration, so you can be completely reassured when we tell you that Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures is probably the best thing since the invention of things. Or possible fire.

There, we've said it. Now if you'll excuse us, we have some serious gaming to do.

KRAM!

Mang, you da main mang!!! Anytime mang, because you got cajones and all my friends, they got BIG cajones!

Okay, so I know it's been almost a month, and I know this post isn't about MMO's, but give us a break. After all, we've been dealing with the incredible douchebags over at eBay, and trying to coordinate with the SEO people we hired to increase our web presence. Needless to say, taking the time to write a creative, funny, insightful and otherwise better-than-twenty-orgasms blog post wasn't high on our list of priorities. Not only that, but we aren't even capable of writing that kind of thing in the first place. (We came to grips with our own limitations a long time ago.)

So, we're just going to comment on on the recent release of GTA IV, which apparently is the fastest selling game in the history of games and will likely go on to make about a billion dollars for Rock Star. So, we're not going to talk about MMO's, Warcraft, or any of that. We're going to take a moment and comment on how the ease with which Rock Star is reproducing these titles, and the low cost to do so. If you believe the logic posted by some internet auction houses, let's say their name rhymes with ShmeeBay, if something can be cheaply reproduced, it shouldn't be allowed to be sold. I guess it doesn't matter that a lot of time, effort and money are put into a product BEFORE it is reproduced. It just matters that they are cheaply REproduced.

Fuckers.

How do we hate thee, eBay? Let me count the ways.

Ok, we haven't been blogging in a while, but we have a reason.

In case you've been keeping track--and judging by our site stats, you haven't-- we sell digitally deliverable goods on eBay. All our stuff is written by gamers and freelance writers we hire so we know we are producing a quality product. Unlike a lot of the garbage out there, we put time and effort (and even money) into our guides. It's a pride thing. We sell them through our website and through eBay, the website run by fine purveyors of all kinds of douchebaggery...

Sorry.

We're a little upset. Back to the post...

Now, eBay has decided that ebooks can no longer be sold on eBay. They can only be listed as 'classified ads'. This basically means they can't be listed.

We have no idea why ass-clown extroardinaire Brian Burke (director of eBay Global Feedback Policy) decided to take this ridiculously assanine action. According to his statement, it's because 'digital goods are re-produced at little to no cost to the seller.' We truly have no idea how to respond to that. Is he saying that goods need to have high-reproduction costs to sell on eBay? What constitutes 'little to no cost to the seller'? Not even counting listing fees, final value fees and no-questions asked returns, our product development process involves writers, editors, gamers, web designers and lots of time spent creating these projects (not to mention time spent playing the game, researching the game and doing everything needed to make a reader-friendly product), which means the cost to produce these items is nowhere close to 'little to no-cost'.

Yes, we ship digital goods. But because of that we don't have to charge our customers for our shipping, printing or manufacturing costs. All our costs are front end, not reproduction related. But apparently, someone at eBay is a business model nazi. Or nazi-commie. Or perhaps nazi-commie-monarch-luddite. Yeah. Probably that last one. (Note: we cannot confirm or deny that anyone at eBay has ever had any relationship with any nazi, nazi-commie, nazi-commie-monarch-luddite organization. Yet.)

Well, we're done with eBay. Look for our products through our website exclusively.

And if you ever see someone who works for eBay, kick them in the teeth once or twice for us.

'Till next tie, true believers!

Then we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

So you want to create an MMO but aren't sure where to get the cash. You've called in all your favors, searched through your couch cushions and even donated plasma. Even with the giddiness that accompanies the sudden loss of a nearly fatal amount of blood, you are sure you still don't have enough. What is a person to do?

Well, if you are David Jones (One of the original creators of the GTA series), you just go to your friendly neighborhood venture capital firm and ask them to fund your planned console MMO. After that, getting a check for 50 MILLION DOLLARS is just a matter of opening your mailbox. (At least, we hope it was a check. Sending that much cash through the mail would probably cost you a lot on postage.)

So to Mr. Jones and his company, Realtime Worlds, we say: Fuck YO Casino! CJ!! (Yeah, that's a quote from GTA: San Andreas.)

And not to go off on a total non-sequitur (though it's never stopped us before) we'd just like to say that we are REALLY jazzed about the forthcoming release of the next GTA game. We haven't been able to think about much other than the prospect of beating new hookers with even bigger double-headed dildoes. (Dildo's? Dildi? We don't know.)

You disturb me to the point of insanity. There. I am insane now.

Some early reviews of the forthcoming MMO documentary Second Skin, and it looks like the film is taking on a subject we've tackled a few times before. Namely, that lots (if not most) MMO gamers are, to put it delicately, somewhat odd. To quote one reviewer: "After seeing the film, it stacks up as quite an accomplishment that the filmmakers were able to drag these folks away from their computers to attend."

Yes, we know there are a lot of MMO players out there who play their game and enjoy it for what it is: a game. But if you've ever spent a lot of time around people who are really into these games, it doesn't take long to get the feeling that all is not well in the state of Denmark.

For our own part, we tend to get bored with MMO's as soon as the novelty wears off. Once the prospect of repetition ad nauseam removes itself from the realm of the possible and becomes something actual, we find the enjoyment of exploring and interacting with a fictitious environment to loose lots of it's luster. And no, we aren't unfamiliar with the idea of crack-like games that keep us up for hours on end without sleep food or human interaction. (Dark memories of The Legend of Zelda spring quickly to mind.) But whenever we find ourselves similarly drawn, for some reason the entertainment value quickly dissipates. Maybe it's because we enjoy the creative elements more than the visceral elements (creating a character and specializing their skills being the creative, while the visceral is all the feudin and a fussin), but whatever it is, we think MMO's have a very limited place in our lives. All the MMO gamers out there who's games take up increasingly large portions of their lives are a unique sub-culture, and we're eager to see how Second Skin shows us their world.

'Til next time, true believers!